Valhalla Lost

So, when Elga and I had our wedding, a lot of what was said went over peoples' heads, since it's hard to decipher that much orcish at the fast rate it was going by. There was a bit of humor in the wedding, and I'd really like some of you to know all that was said, so here's the english translation of what you guys experienced:

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Hello people, so like, we are all gathered here today in the presence of these other people, in order to join this savage monster and Elga in marriage expected to be dishonorable among all; and thereforth is not to be entered into lightly, but strongly, passionately, lovingly, and ugly. Into this - these two persons present now to be joined... like, spiritually or whatever. I don't know. But anyways, if any person can show just cause why they should not be joined together - get the hell out of this wedding. Why did you even show up? Ha ha.

As an opening reading for the ceremony.. I know, reading is not very popular, but still, we're doing it. Get over it ha. Well, I'm going to read from a passage titled "How to punch babies and get married," a guide on orcish living, written by some orc that didn't have the sense of mind to put his name on the cover.
Ahem, "You should like.. get married and stuff."
Thank you.

So like, what is a wedding? Good question. I don't know either. Typically, an orc will just bash the head of whoever they want, and drag them back to the cave. So... this is awkward, haha. But from what I have been able to find out, marriage is supposed to be a contract where the man gives up like everything, and the woman is like HOORAY!
So, contratulations Elga, for figuring out a way to trick a human-looking person into giving you some of their stuff. Ha ha, Eron fell for it. I hope he doesn't know how to understand orcish.

Vows
Elga Vow
Eron, I think you're like the most awesome ever. Like you are so smart and stuff. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you because you are the funniest and make me laugh a lot. Also, you are the most awesome at making me smile and go HOORAY! So I always want to make you go HOORAY and smile too! I also promise to make you yummy food, like spoiled cheesecake and moldy bread pudding. I love you and you're mine!!!! HOORAY!!!

Eron Vow
You are the star of my world; the thing that makes life more fun. I promise to love and care for you, and I will do all of the things I can to make us happy together and keep us laughing, even when we're tiny wrinkled old people. I'm going to cuddle you forever. Snug life. Hooray!

REPEAT AFTER ME!

Me Eron, give you Elga, this circular piece of metal as a forever symbol of my love and commitment to you.

<Eron repeats>

Me Elga, give you Eron, this circular piece of metal as a forever symbol of my love and commitment to you.

<Elga repeats>

Now Elga, do you take this monkey-looking ugly thing to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forwards, for better for worse, for richer... in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do you part?

<Elga says "Duh">

Now Eron, do you take this pretty orcish princess to be your wife, to have and to hold from this day forwards, for better for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do you part?

<Eron says "Duh">

You must now slaughter the sacrificial goat!

<GM creates a regular goat, which probably dies in one hit>

By the power vested in me by the Valhalla Lost staff, and the certificate I bought online for like thirty gold coins, I now pronounce you manslave and wifeslave. You may now play the song of your people

<Elga and Eron each burp in each others face>

I present to you: Mr. and Mrs. Ugly

<Boom>

Original Orcish Text
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Ug'der peeblz, so liak, uz awl gathurred heer dubday en da prezents uv deze udder peeblz, en urder dub joyn diz savage monstar ang Elga en mawwiaje ekspekted dub b dizhonurrible amung awl; ang derefuth iz nub dub b enturrd ento lyteli, bud strungli, pashinitlee, luvinly ang ugly. Ento dis - deze dub persunz prezent nao dub b joyned... liak, spirichulli ur wudevur. Meeb nub gruk. Bud enniwaez, ef enni persun can sho just cauze wy dem nub shud b joyned dubgether - ged da skah oud uv diz weddyng. Wy lat even show ub? Har har.

Az an upenin reedyng fer da serrimoni.. meeb gruk, reedyng nub beri pobulahr, bud styl, uz duuin id. Get uver it har. Well, meeb gunna reed furm ash passuj tytled "Hao dub punch bebez ang ged mayreed," ash guyde dub urukizh lyving, writtn by zum uruk dat nub had da senze uv mynd dub put hyz naym on da kuvur.
Ahem, "Lat shud liak.. get mayreed ang stuf."
Rulg.

Zo liak, wud iz ash weddyng? Gug kweschin. Meeb nub gruk eethur. Tipiculli, an uruk wil juz klomp da hed uv huever dem wantz, ang drag dem bak dub da kayv. So... diz iz awkwurd, har har. Bud frum wud meeb has ben abel dub fynd oud, marrij is spozed dub b ash kontrakt waer da man gibs ub liak ebryting, ang da gurli iz liak HOOWAH! Zo, kongrachulashinz Elga, fer figyurin oud ash wae dub trik ash humie luukin perzun ento gibbin lat zum of thaer stufs. Har har, Eron fel fer id. Meeb hoap hym nub gruk hao dub blah urukizh.

Vows
Elga Vow
Eron, meeb dinkz lat leik da mosd bubposh ebur. Leik lat zu smurt ang stufz. Meeb grek meeb wand dub spen dub rest uf meebz lyf wid lat cuz lat du mosd har har ang mayk meeb har har ash lut. Alzu lat iz dub mosd bubposh ad maykin meeb zmilz ang go HOOWAH!!! Zu meeb alwahz wand dub mayk lat gu HOOWAH ang zmilez dub! Meeb alzu prawmiz dub mayk lat yumee fud, like spoyld cheez cayk ang muldy bred pudin’. Meeb lub lat ang lat meebz!!!! HOOWAH!!!
Eron Vow
Lat da star uv meebz wurld; Da thyng dat maykz liaf moar fun.
Meeb prumiz dub lub ang kaer fer lat, ang meeb wil du awl tha thyngz meeb kan dub mayk uz hapbi dubgethur ang keep uz laffyn, eben wen we tiny reenkled uld peebl. Meeb gonan cuddlez lat futheber. Snug lyfe. Hoowah!

REPEAT AFTER MEEB!

Meeb Eron, gib lat Elga, dis sircular peese uv metal az an futhevar simbal uv meebz lub ang ka-mitment dub lat.

<Eron repeats>

Meeb Elga, gib lat Eron, dis sircular peese uv metal az an futhevar simbal uv meebz lub ang ka-mitment dub lat.

<Elga repeats>

Nao Elga, duz lat tayk diz munkee-luukin ugly ting dub be latz hubsbind, dub haff ang dub hold furm diz dae futhwardz, fer betdur fer worze, fur richer... en siknezz ang en helfth, dub lub ang dub cherizh, til deth duz lat part?

<Elga says "Duh">

Nao Eron, duz lat tayk diz purdi urukizh prynces dub be latz wifey, dub haff ang dub hold furm diz dae futhwardz, fer betdur fer worze, fur richer or poorur en siknezz ang en helfth, dub lub ang dub cherizh, til deth duz lat part?

<Eron says "Duh">

Lat muzd nao slaughter da sakrifishul goat!

<GM creates a regular goat, which probably dies in one hit>

By da powur vestid en meeb by da Valhalla Lost staff, ang da sertifikit meeb bouht unlyne fer liak gahkty shinies, meeb nao pronounse lat manslave ang wifeslave. Lat may nao plae da sung uv latz peeblz.

<Elga and Eron each burp in each others face>

I prezend dub lat: Mr. and Mrs. Ugly

<Boom>